there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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