yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
