Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
