her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
