We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
