nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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