Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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