Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
