I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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