P.S. I can't hear my feet
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
