yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
