Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
