i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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