Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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