Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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