I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
