Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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