sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
