it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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