Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there was a trapeze. enough said
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
