i may or may not be watching the land before time
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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