i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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