Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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