haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
