You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
