I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
