I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
