dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
