I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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