glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
