I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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