you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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