Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
