I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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