So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I AM VODKA MAN
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
