I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
