youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
