how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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