how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
