is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
