I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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