My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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