nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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