I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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