I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
