She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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