I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
