im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
kristin has been a bad kristin
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
