Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
