Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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