Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
