so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
