I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
