he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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