I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
