yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
