dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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