I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
