just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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